Author writes about 31 domestic abuse victims in Iowa

By Chad Nation, Staff Writer, cnation@nonpareilonline.com

Editor’s note: This is the third of a four part series that will run each Sunday in October as part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

“I never imagined in my life I would be qualified to do this,” said Katie Thompson as she spoke with a crowd at Iowa Western Community College’s Performing Arts Center earlier this week.

Not that she would be speaking to a crowd on a college campus – Thompson taught at a college – but the topic she would be discussing: domestic violence.

Thompson is the author of “31: Surviving Domestic Violence in America’s Heartland,” which will be released in May 2010. The book chronicles the lives of 31 Iowa women who survived domestic violence, including Thompson.

As part of the “31: Iowa Voices Project,” Thompson has spent the last two Octobers traveling the state with portraits and a story excerpt from the 31 women focused on in the book. The book project evolved into the traveling exhibit, a speaker’s bureau, a quilt project and a second book.

Thompson said the project started after her own domestic abuse situation.

“I’m a domestic abuse survivor, and I wanted to give something back,” she said. “I got so much free counseling when I was recovering, I called the Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence and said ‘I’m a writer and a photographer, how can I be useful?’”

What developed was the “31: Iowa Voices Project.”

Her story is similar, and yet different, from the other 30 women included in the project.

Thompson received a master’s degree in molecular pathology from the University of California, San Diego, and planned to be a research scientist, but her plans fell through. She said she moved back home to Iowa to be closer to family and start her life over.

“Unfortunately, I met the wrong guy; he saw that I was patient, believed the best in people and I was optimistic. I was also at a low point and vulnerable,” she said. “I was one of those people who would say, ‘I would never let that happen to me.’ So did I leave when it started? No.”

Thompson said her situation started with her boyfriend “slamming” her against the wall one evening. He promised he would never do it again.

“I didn’t want another failure in my life,” she said. “Was I just going to give up on another relationship?”

But when he attempted to strangle her two years later, she could no longer rationalize staying with him.

“But I didn’t call the police or tell him to get out of the house, which is what you would do if a stranger just tried to kill you,” she said. “I went to my office and sat for three or four hours before calling the police.”

Thompson said she was lucky. Law enforcement and domestic abuse advocates were able to help her in her situation, and the boyfriend gave up on her and moved on.

That is not always the case though.

Cindy (whose last name is not being used to protect her identity) spent 37 years in multiple abusive relationships and shared her stories for the book. She also speaks to college students about her abuse.

“It is almost worth it if I help one person,” Cindy said. “And at one of my college talks, a girl came up to me after the presentation and said, ‘I didn’t realize I was in an abusive relationship until I heard you.’”

Cindy has been away from her abuser for a few years, but still worries that he will find her.

“It has been six years and I am just now getting to the point where I don’t expect to get hit every time I turn around,” she said. “I am getting over my fears. Before I couldn’t get within three feet of a man without crying.

“I still have nightmares; I don’t wear necklaces or shirts with high necklines because I feel like I’m being choked. But now I am free and I am happy.”

Thompson said she was amazed how many women wanted to tell their stories.

“What I love about the collection is the variety of stories. Almost any possible way to get into an abusive relationship is here, and also many different ways to get out,” she said. “I think it was important for the women to not feel like everything had to stay a secret.

“I got to hear stories that no one has ever heard, and that is a sad, and incredible, feeling.”

And the secrecy is what Thompson said she wants to expose. She said so many people have visited the exhibit and said, “that’s my story” or “this hits close to home” when reading about the women in the book.

“It’s heartbreaking. But what I can do is encourage people to talk about it. That’s all I’m trying to do,” she said. “The more people willing to talk, the less secrets there will be.

“Secrets are perhaps the worst part of being in a domestic abuse situation. You have to keep secrets and that’s an awful feeling and self-perpetuating. Once you start, you’re trapped.”

Thompson said that while none of the stories are about men in domestic abuse situations, she is working on a second book about Iowa men growing up in abusive homes.

“At every exhibit stop, I see at least one man reading the stories and trying not to cry. I know they saw these same things growing up and probably never talked about it,” she said.

“A young man said to me, ‘when you are little you can’t leave and when you grow up you can’t talk about it.’ Who wants to admit their parents were bad to them? You don’t want to admit it to yourself.”

While admitting it is difficult, Thompson said the women that appear in the project are surviving and helping others.

“Their stories are tough, but they survived and are role models to other women and men who grew up with this and are struggling.”

For more information on Thompson and the “31: Iowa Voices Project” visit the Web site at www.31book.info.